My Heart To Yours
by The Phantom Dragon
Summary: One-shot.Kaede's thoughts during his Awakenings. Lots of fun wrenching.


_***wakes up on couch with laptop* Huh? New document? When did that happen? *starts to read* WHAAAAAAAA…?**_

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><p><strong>From My Heart to Yours<strong>

You don't see me.

No wait, you do. Just not the way I wish you would.

You don't see how every time you come to school I'm always waiting. Of course you don't.

I stay until after you pass, when I know you are safely in the classroom, that I finally make my presence known.

I don't say good morning. I don't know how.

Instead I make a rude comment. Something guarantied to make you mad. That will distract you from what I know is showing my eyes.

You don't notice how every time you're out doing something stupid that you think is to help our mission, I'm always 'conveniently' there to lend a hand or just keep you company.

God! Are you that thick? I'm surprised it hasn't crossed your mind to pin the label 'stalker' on me yet. Not that I am.

I do it because I know you're just going to get yourself into some kind of trouble. It's stupid, but every time it's like a burning claw wriggling in my chest at the idea of any of the others being the one there to help you. To watch over your.

To protect you.

Even they don't care. All Mutsuki and Tenjoh see is the grouchy, controlled face I present. Seiran knows me slightly better and is somewhat aware. But still he doesn't understand everything.

How could he?

I've kept up this pretense for so long even I don't know where it begins or ends.

How many times have you stormed away from our meetings because it's the only way you know to control your temper by giving yourself space to mule things through?

You don't realize it's _always_ me who goes after you.

I stay and listen while you yell. Don't mind you throwing questions at me that I don't know the answer too. I don't care that you get angry and take it out on me.

Because I know it's only because you worry about us.

You could send us through Heaven and Hell to retrieve Satan's crown and we would obey without question. Our devotion is such. We would die if it was what you needed us to do.

But you don't.

It's our job as knights to serve you. Our existence has but one purpose. To protect, follow, and obey you, till death do we part.

But we won't die. You won't allow it.

Sometimes I think it would actually be the kindest thing you could do. Just let us slip away if it means your job of containing the seal is fulfilled.

Instead you cling with a tenacity that is almost inhuman.

It would have been so easy to let Seiran go. He knew what he was. He knew the purpose of his creation. And he accepted it.

But you wouldn't allow him.

You'd rather risk the seal breaking than letting him go through with it.

We the Knights of the Rose were created for this purpose. Ours is to serve. Yours is to lead.

Compared to you our lives mean nothing.

But you don't care. No, you do. _That's_ why you won't let us go.

I still remember the time you came back for me after the Yellow almost finished me off. To tell the truth I was done for. For more reasons than you can imagine.

It wasn't the wounds that were the problem. True, I'm surprised I lasted so long with those injuries, but that's not the main reason.

It was something else. Something he said.

You weren't there. And even if you were you wouldn't understand. Not the way I did.

He said your dominion over us wasn't complete. Like he would know, stupid bastard.

The truth is Anise, your dominion has been complete for longer than you could imagine.

I'm not talking about as the Rose Princess. Mutsuki, Tenjoh, and Seiran probably didn't know you existed before you took the title.

I'm talking about me.

I know. I'm probably even more surprised than you.

I have no idea when it started. It might have been weeks, months… I'm not sure. Maybe forever?

I still remember the first time we met. Or should I say, collided.

The first day of school, I walked into the classroom and there you were, standing in the doorway. Normally, before that, if I ask a girl to move she couldn't haul fast enough and generally has some sort of passing 'come hither' type apology for inconveniencing me. Probably part of the reason I started letting out that 'couldn't care less' attitude to give the impression I was a cold, heartless ass.

But you!

You could not have been more different had I put in an order with the On High.

You didn't move. You didn't simper. Quite the opposite in fact.

Not only did you refuse to budge, you had the spine to tell me to _go_ _around_ you. That caught my attention faster than if you had grabbed me and kissed me right then and there.

The difference is you weren't trying. It was just part of your nature to not back down.

You're not like other girls Anise. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You don't look at the world the way most people do, with ranks and appearances dictating your views.

You see people the way they are. In fact you are probably the only person who could know who and what your opponent is and still not hate her. For that reason I'm annoyed with and like you at the same time.

So you will forgive me when I say it's surprising that you _still_ can't see my heart.

Do you really not understand?

Every time you need someone to help you, to fight for you, or just be there to listen, it's always me you summon.

At first it irritated me. I knew my duty. I was prepared to complete my end of the contract to the fullest.

But secretly deep down, so far down even I couldn't comprehend it, I was happy. I was glad it was me you counted on to have your back in every situation, that you trusted enough to open up completely to, no matter the problem. Even if I couldn't help, you still dragged me out if only to listen to you unwinding.

Not Mutsuki, not Tenjoh, not Seiran.

Me!

It's always me.

Me who sat and listened as you whined that you weren't happy about the idea of being the Dominion. Me you worried about when your father threatened us as a punishment on you. Me you summoned when you didn't understand why we did the things we did to keep you safe and ensure your mission's success to restrain the seal. Me you called upon when you did such a stupid thing as running in those blasted high heels and twisting you ankle.

Maybe that's why everyone else has been awakened while leaving me in the dust.

They all had something they needed to work out in the way they perceived themselves and you.

I can't tell you how pissed off I was when Tenjoh was the fist one to awaken. His problem was he had never been denied anything or learned to bow to the will of another. You were the first thing he came in contact with that his money and charm couldn't obtain.

Mutsuki had forgotten what it meant to feel. To want to protect something precious to him. You showed him there was more to this life than only power, there was hope.

Seiran just wanted to prove he mattered. That maybe somewhere in this universe there was a place he belonged, where his artificial existence held more meaning than just as a sacrificial lamb. You helped him understand that a person cannot be replaced for anything because they will always be them and no other can compare no matter how many times you try to substitute them.

And me? What am I?

I honestly don't know.

I don't know what it is you see in me that makes me so no-barriers-necessary in your eyes.

Why _am_ I the one you _always_ call?

I don't have any particularly special skills. I can't heal. I can't ward off the darkness. I can't even barely squeeze through my homework let alone concoct you assistance out of whatever happens to be sitting on hand.

I'm just Kaede.

I'm a thick headed ass who can never seem to do the right thing. I'm not a poet with cultured phases to reason out your problems so they no longer trouble that pretty head of yours. I don't have a dark, tormented past to tell you that thing could be worse. I don't understand what it means to not know where you belong because all my life I have been taught my place and duty.

So what am I?

Is that it? I'm just another knight to you?

The one you call up every time you need help so you don't have to deal with everyone else's problems and instead be able to complain to about _your_ feelings for once. The one who is too stupid to understand it all but is devoted enough to remain through your ramblings.

"Wake up!"

What do you mean?

"Quite obsessing over that _**stupid**_ stuff."

_Stupid_?

Why you little…

"Now wake up, my Knight." _I'll steal it, _your eyes scream, _whatever's holding you back._

The power that explodes throughout my body is incredible. I have never felt such power. I know I can take on the Violet now.

And I _hate_ you for it.

"…Am I just another Rhode Knight to you!" Finally the question that has been tearing apart my heart all along.

This entire time I have been lying to myself. I denied what was the most obvious thing in the world.

All those times I fought with you. Every time I bit back at something you said or did. Constantly crossing everything that concerned you.

It wasn't because I was opposed to your opinion. You were actually startlingly proficient at getting us all to pull through no matter what awkward or dangerous situation fate presented us with.

It was because when I did those things your focus would be solely on me. Your thoughts and motions would only be directed my way. Not caring whether it was hate or genuine concern, your whole awareness would be mine and_ mine alone_ for those few precious seconds.

Remember how when Mitsuru revealed that enormous galore of enticing delights and you almost lost yourself in their succulent flavors? I purposely swiped that bite because I knew it would distract you from him and, if not back to me, at least away from him and his temptations.

It worked and you landed back on earth with your senses and personality intact. Even if it meant you were yelling at me for the next minute in irritation.

But besides that there have been occasions where I tried to tell you what I felt. What you genuinely meant to me.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for romance. Because every time you always misinterpret what I am trying to say.

Once though, I did mange to get up the courage to spell out what was in my heart all this time. Sadly we were interrupted by the yellow and your father's timely intervention.

I don't know if we will make it through the next hour, much less the day. I don't mind too much, I was born for this.

But Anise, if I do not make it through to victory, if I cannot come out the other end by your side, then I don't want any regrets.

So here, now, I will say it.

I love you.

Three words. So simple, so small, you'd think it would be no problem to speak them.

But I can't. I don't know how. The words catch and wrap themselves around my throat when I try putting my true feelings into that one, simple sentence.

Like I said, I have no idea what it means exactly to love someone.

All I know is this fire burning in my chest that has existed for so long but has been denied because of my own fear at what you would say if I told you the truth.

So instead I say it the only way I know how to.

"You can take your Rhode Knights…and your 'orders'… and shove 'em, for all I care!"

It would be laughable that you could order me not to die, if only I didn't know it was meant with all your heart. Except once again it was just not the way I wanted to hear it from you.

"When I say I want to protect you, I mean it as a _man_!"

Not as a Rhode Knight, not because it is my duty, and most _definitely_ _not_ because you are my Dominion!

I'm not like the others. I have not exceptional talents. So far I have barely managed to keep you from getting killed through sacrifice of my own personal well being.

This is all I know. How to follow, how to protect, how to fight because it's what is expected of me.

Maybe I am just a dog. A dog that keeps crawling back out of sheer devotion no matter how many times it is kicked.

Even if the blows are unintentional, and I know they are, they dig far deeper than you can possibly comprehend.

We fought each other so long I didn't even have time to realize what was going on. All I knew was that each time you talked back at or stood up to me this feeling reared its annoying head and demanded I fight back.

You see, it's also my nature to not take any slight lying down. And you Anise were the most confrontational person I was ever fated to meet.

So this once I won't think. I've done enough of that for a lifetime.

Instead I do.

This time it's me who kisses you. And this time it's different.

Whereas your kiss was one of confusion and passion for the moment, mine is solid and does not waver.

I have no barriers, what good would they do? Instead I let myself go in the warmth of your lips. So soft yet charged with a power that intoxicates beyond reason. Almost ripping away my will. I don't even feel the sharp prick of thorns as they tear at my flesh and deeper still, to a level I can't explain.

If time could be frozen I would stay this way forever. Never minding the less than idealistic setting, who gives a shit about all that crap?

You are here, in my arms, and for this one breath in time you are wholly and utterly mine.

Gods! Why didn't I do this the first time I held you?

You've probably forgotten by now.

We were supposed to be sweeping the front path when Ninufa took a nosedive out of the sky and stole your 'charm' necklace. It surprised you so much you were knocked completely off balance.

Remember?

I didn't think, I just reacted and caught you.

I never tried reasoning why I did it at the time. I thought it was just a reflex. But now I know better.

That time, the first time I held you, something changed. I wasn't angry like I thought I would be even when you accused me of it being a setup. All I know now is that my heart wouldn't stop racing till long after I let you go.

I thought it was because I was embarrassed at the time that I couldn't look at you directly afterwards.

Now I realize what it was. That tiny spark as I held you in my embrace. Not as the Dominion that I needed to protect, but as Anise. A girl I detested yet at the same time wanted to shield from getting hurt.

Why? Why do we not realize these things until it is too late?

I had you then. I had you all to myself, when you were just another ordinary girl with an equally ordinary boy.

I should have told you then. I should have said what was in my heart all along.

But even I didn't understand it. What it meant to love someone. To devout your entire existence to them.

So I let you slip away. Never again to be mine.

Not long after fate trapped us in our roles. You as the Dominion and I the knight to serve you.

However, unlike the others whose affections arise from the authority you present in their lives, mine is the genuine article.

I can't promise you that it will be okay after this. I don't know if we'll make it through. But I know I'm going to try with every part of my body and soul to ensure you remain unharmed as you complete your task.

So, for _you,_ Anise, I send out my heart.

Everything within me, my hopes, my dreams, my emotions, pains, desires, my all, I now give to you.

Do with me what you will.

"Kaede…"

Are you so surprised all you can say is my name?

I'm tied down by thorns. All for this title that gives me more trouble than it's worth.

Suddenly another jolt rips through me and I know something is different as roses and vines thrash about, caught up in the storm of power now unleashed around me.

These bonds are tight as Hell…

They restrain me, hold me back, keep me from leaving your side.

_Just the way I like 'em._

I'll take everything I've got and put it all on the line to protect you. Consequences be damned!

"Two Awakenings!" The tiny still rational part of me is immensely smug at Mitsuru's shock. Eat _that_ you stuck up, weirdo prick.

You on the other hand are practical as ever. "…Kaede! Go get 'em!"

I know I'm probably going to be paying the price for my audacity later. But just the fact that you're not blowing your top at me like you did with Mutsuki fans that small spark of hope into a full flame beyond caring.

"I AM RED ROSE!" I've been called a dog, idiot, slacker. Maybe they are true, maybe I am those things. I'm just me; I never pretended to be anything else.

But there was one thing they were wrong about. I _did know_ how to feel. I _do know_ what it means to give my all for the one I care about most in the world.

And right now you pricks are standing in her way.

"Now come on 'n show me what you've got!"

Anise, my Dominion, the one I have _always _and _will always_ love, I pledge myself once again.

Here I renew the vows of my true feelings. Not to the contracts, but to my heart. On this day I hereby swear to give to you, my master, all my soul, and pledge from now until the ends of eternity my undying fealty. And my love.

_My heart to yours._

Anise, not Dominion, I await your orders.

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><p><em><strong>*Ninufa and Ears (my short eared bunny that glows purple in the dark) sit happily munching cream-puffs while watching TPD chasing Loki around with Shiden's (the Violet) scythe* <strong>_

_**Ears: Think we should tell her it was you who dumped the computer on her last night.**_

_**Ninufa: Na! Let her blow of some of 'dat steam she's been building up over 'du T'wickster. Maybe she'll kick his ass hard enough she'll have more time to work on 'du other stories her readers are demanding. *checks under his cushion to make sure his other story ideas are still hidden***_

**_TPD: *stalks back, dragging the Trickster covered in bruise bumps*Well (huff huff) I have no idea how this came to be (huff). I have been staying up till _****_at least _****_6 every night for the past week so went a bit happy with the liquor stash to ensure I got some decent shut-eye (Ok I know I was peeved over the fact that they decided to leave the second season of Sherlock hanging like that but I didn't think I was _that_ strung up on it…) but wake up to find this more-or-less completed. _**

_***sighs* Guess I'll just post it so no one else gets the brilliant idea of taking Ears for a revisit in this department. **_

_**Review please.  
><strong>_


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